You are in a building with your spouse
and your children.
The building is a five story building
that is a engulfed in flames. It is a terrifying, twisted mass of smoke, steel
and sparks.. Roofing material is falling haphazardly as bystanders watch in
horror from ground level. The fireman shouts in desperation, “You can only
choose to save your husband or your children!”
You have only seconds to decide.
Doting parents that claim a child’s need comes first recognize that kids are the love of their lives and they need and deserve copious amounts of time and attention. After all, a spouse is a grown up, they can wait right? After 18 years then it will be their turn. Child-centered parents also sometimes claim that it is easy to get a new spouse, but you can never replace a child. Parents also vocalize the fact that they brought children into this world so it is their responsibility to take care of the little hooligans.
There is no real fire in a burning building, but try and give more priority to your spouse than your children. Your spouse will thank you, and your kids will thank you.
Putting your spouse first doesn’t have to be big. Text, call or send emails throughout the day to stay connected. It can be funny pictures, or reminders that you are thinking about your other half. Put the kids to bed early and spend a night cooking and listening to music. Go to bed at the same time. Don’t let kids sleep in your bed. Plan for date nights and stick to it. Tell each other I love you daily and don’t be afraid to smooch a little in front of the kids.
You have only seconds to decide.
Doting parents that claim a child’s need comes first recognize that kids are the love of their lives and they need and deserve copious amounts of time and attention. After all, a spouse is a grown up, they can wait right? After 18 years then it will be their turn. Child-centered parents also sometimes claim that it is easy to get a new spouse, but you can never replace a child. Parents also vocalize the fact that they brought children into this world so it is their responsibility to take care of the little hooligans.
There is no real fire in a burning building, but try and give more priority to your spouse than your children. Your spouse will thank you, and your kids will thank you.
Putting your spouse first doesn’t have to be big. Text, call or send emails throughout the day to stay connected. It can be funny pictures, or reminders that you are thinking about your other half. Put the kids to bed early and spend a night cooking and listening to music. Go to bed at the same time. Don’t let kids sleep in your bed. Plan for date nights and stick to it. Tell each other I love you daily and don’t be afraid to smooch a little in front of the kids.
Although the situation is completely
hypothetical, chances are most people would ultimately choose their children.
This scenario is very unlikely; however
the choice between prioritizing a spouse over a child or vice versa is an
everyday occurrence for most people. The debate between whether children or a
spouse comes first is a heated one. What is your first
priority, children or spouse?
Other concerned couples argue that when kids grow up and move out, that they
will still live with their spouse. No kids with no flame left, equals no fun.
Parents that put their spouses first also content that kids need a stable home and the best way to do that is put their marriage first to avoid divorce.
The secret to a happy and balanced family life now has less room for debate. Recently phycology studies have shown that child-centered marriages, ones where the children needs and wants are placed before the spouses, are actually more toxic and likely to break up.
What many parents don’t realize is – putting the marriage first will not only make them happier as a couple, but will actually foster children who are healthier are more emotionally sound.
According to mothers who participated in survey from Netmums, a British parenting site, more than 40 percent of 1500 surveyed said that having children has driven them apart compared to the 33 percent who said having children brings them together. In another analysis of 90 studies involving 31,000 married people, the drop in marital satisfaction after the first baby’s birth is 42% larger among the current generation of parents than generations before. Also, in the Netmums survey, nearly 80 percent of surveyors said their relationship has suffered due to the exhaustion that comes from caring for kids. Other causes included financial problems, and diminished time together without kids.
Although many parents are exhausted and dissatisfied, it doesn’t have to be that way. In fact, it shouldn’t be that way.
“Families centered on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children, says David Code, author of To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First. “We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives and our marriages for our kids. Most of us have created child-centered families, where our children hold priority over our time, energy and attention.”
David Code is not talking about neglecting your kids and leaving them on the side of the road to fend for themselves. He is not saying a baby’s emotional or physical needs are less important than having a date night with hubby.
For many of today’s couples, the children are priority No. 1 one and marriage is priority No. 10 — and few of us make it past the top three priorities on our daily to-do list.”
Spouses nowadays are frantically trying to balance of career, parenting, and the extracurricular activities of life that they often don’t even have time to make googly-love-eyes at each like they used to, let alone carve out enough time to take a walk or have a conversation – alone.
“If a married couple with children has 15 minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I’d put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It’s an extraordinary achievement,” says Dr. Bill Doherty, an educator, researcher, therapist, and author in family social science.
For many couples, the idea of spending more time together sounds wonderful, but is often “theory” rather than put into practice. If it is not enough motivation to have a strong and healthy marriage, do it for the kids.
The well-known marriage researchers John and Julie Gottmann suggest that people should imagine their marriage as a soft cradle which holds their child’s heart. If there is instability or chaos in the cradle it will in turn disturb the child’s heart. However, keeping the cradle strong and peaceful will have much better outcomes on a child’s overall well-being. If the marriage of a child’s parents disintegrates or is neglected, their entire world or safety and security disappear.
According to marriagemoments.org, there is also substantial research identifying the quality of marital relationships affects the quality of parent-child relationships; “in other words, as couples experience less love between each other, they also experience less love with their child.”
Keeping a marriage strong through small daily acts will also prevent children becoming self-centered and narcissistic, the last thing parents want. However if parents make children the center of their entire universe, children will often grow up thinking that is “normal” and will act the same way when they start their own family.
“Here’s the biggest myth of parenting,” says Code, “The more attention we give our kids, the better they’ll turn out. Where are the results? Studies show today’s parents spend more time with their kids, and yet today’s kids don’t seem happier, more independent or successful. They seem more troubled, entitled and needy. To raise healthy kids, simply put your marriage first and your children second.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
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